Happy to be Irish

Maybe you’re just as much IMF’ed, EUB’ed and Anglo’ed out of it as I am but in some ways recent events prompted me to reflect on what it is that makes me happy to be Irish.

Kindness of strangers

While we might have lost some of our natural compassion for others during the Celtic Tiger days, I’ve seen resurgence in the caring words shared between strangers in the post office, at the local bus stop, or standing in the supermarket queue. Recently when struggling to find coins for the parking metre, and having not a lot of luck, a voice behind me said, “Here, I have some, take them.” Small gestures, each a connection of sorts and with it the unsaid message, ‘we’re all in this together.’

Charitable Donations

Three out of every four people in the Republic donate to charity, and while the sums donated have fallen, there is still a strong ethos ingrained in the Irish psyche of wanting to give to those more in need. Whatever the donation, whether financial or time, little or large, at Christmas or at Lent, all of it helps. In a funny kind of way it’s reassuring even comforting to know I’m surrounded by people who still have the generosity of spirit to reach out to others in their time of need.

Ambassadors and Culture

For a small country of 4 million, we have some formidable and highly respected global ambassadors including Mary Robinson, Bono, and Bob Geldof, who in their separate ways have campaigned for human rights, debt relief, and anti-poverty relief for third world countries. When it comes to culture, we’re no slouch there either with Dublin only the fourth city to receive the prized UNESCO City of Literature award. The award is in recognition of Dublin’s rich historical literary past and its international standing as a city of contemporary literary excellence.

The craic is mighty!

Regardless of the rapid changes in our society and the depletion of our collective wealth, we haven’t lost the banter or wit we’re famous for, or indeed the ability to conjure up a bit of ‘craic’ even in a crowd of two. Some of the remarks and jokes circulating via text, email, on Facebook, and Twitter about the state of the economy, the ‘new Irish,’ have been quite dark but for the most part hilarious. Perhaps our ability to resort to humour even in our most challenging of times is what keeps us from collectively going insane. Keep it up I say! 
A little sample of the kind of humour that makes us want to cry and laugh at the same time. Here ya go Cowan says sorry!

Strong Family Bonds

Love them or hate them, we can’t seem to live without our families. And where best to experience the passion and emotions that enmesh a typical Irish family is none other than the family get together. For the best barnies of all, it has to be those around Christmas time. As kids are running from room to room, roaring and shouting, and adults’ mill around glass in hand, noise levels ratchet up, and inevitably stress levels creep towards the roof. After a dinner accompanied by more wine, with florid faces and bulging guts, everyone starts to feel like pigs in a pen. Just about then your mother and sister bring up the ‘incident’ that happened back in ‘89. Within minutes, everyone has an opinion and come hell or high water, everyone must have his or her say. Not long after it’s time to go home, the goodbyes are said, the one for the road is finished and as you head out the door you think to yourself, “Ah well, thank God that’s all over for another year.”

So, would I have it any other way? As much as I might grumble, complain, or agonise over decisions, events, and circumstances we find ourselves in today, it doesn’t take away the fact that yes, I am indeed happy to be Irish.

With best regards,

Carole Smith

Website: Type Dynamics

Facebook: LifeCoachingwithCarole

Twitter: http://twitter.com/CaroleSmith_

Tel: (353) 85 778 5615

What is Coaching All About?

If you’ve ever wondered how coaching works there is one question you can expect to hear from a coach and it is, “What is it that you want?” A simple enough question but for so many they will struggle to answer it. Often the reply is ’I don’t know.’ The person answering may be referring to their relationship, their career, or their future. They will know they want something to change but for a variety of reasons may feel unable to name what it is.

So why is it so difficult to know what it is we want?

Sometimes it’s the busyness of life that leaves us dulled even a little punch-drunk and it takes a major event before we wake up and recognise that something about our life has to change. For others, the impact to the lives of colleagues, or family might seem like a good reason to suppress any desire for change. Some examples are the mother, seeing her children growing up and moving away and she begins to feel she no longer has a role in life. She might ask, “How did I get here? I’m forty-six, my kids are at college, and my husband and I rattle around in the house together with nothing left to talk about. What can I do?” Or what about the man, who has worked over thirty years, managing people and departments, who now finds himself at home with no one to direct or manage but himself, he might say, “I don’t know what to do with my time, the days just stretch out endlessly and I’m feeling low most of the time. What can I do?” For the entrepreneur, whose passion brought his company to where it is today, he might say, “I’ve lost interest; it’s no longer the fun start-up I created. I want something else but I just don’t know what.”

Yes ...but what is it that you want?

This is not an idle question posed by your coach. It’s part of the discovery process that sets out to help you gain self-awareness and fresh perspective about you and what you want from life. It’s about exploring what it is that makes you tick. For some it will mean tapping into distant memories to answer that.  For so many, life has become such a serious endeavour that even the unrestrained laughter remembered from youth is rarely heard or experienced.  For others the passion that once drove them to build a company culminated in a secure role that now feels hopelessly mundane and mind numbing.  So this journey you set out on with your coach is about rediscovering what makes you laugh, brings tears to your eyes, gives you joy or has you break out in a sweat and your heart pulsate faster. It’s about uncovering your passion, your purpose in life and exploring if it has evolved into something different to what it once was.

Powerful Questions

Whether it is your relationship or your career your coach will work with you by asking powerful but simple questions that will help you discover what it is you want from life now. Examples are:

Q:What was good about your relationship at the beginning?

Q:What was it about setting up your own business that drove your passion?

Q:To have that again, what would need to happen?

Q:What steps do you have to take that are your responsibility?

Q:What do you need from others to support you in achieving your goal?

Q:What are the wider implications to you/your family/your employees if you choose a different path?

So it is Simple then?

In a way it is, however coaching works because you are not talking with someone who has a personal agenda about the outcome of any decision you make. That allows you the freedom to explore in confidence, with a professional trained to ask the right questions, the rationale, the logistics, the emotional impact of any change you might want to implement.

What do you get out it?

For the most part, it’s clarity of mind. And when there is clarity, we are better equipped to make the right decision. Surely, that alone makes the investment in coaching all the more worthwhile.

Self-Motivate to Success

It’s easy to become de-motivated particularly given our current economic climate and the excess of negative media stories we’re subjected to day after day. If like me, and you are a small business owner relying primarily on your own resources and energies to get up and at it each day, it can be a struggle to remain focused and positive. Equally, many small business owners having made lay-offs are now coping with a change in their own working roles. For some there’s a whole lot less of general management and directing the future of their organisation to a more hands-on type role. An example is moving back into a front line customer service and sales role to strengthen a smaller team. Some make the transition easy, for others it’s more difficult, and has the potential to eat away at motivation.

The problem is, as an owner/manager, whether your role is hands-on or not, part of that role requires you to motivate and inspire your team so that they fulfil the goals and objectives necessary to keep your business lucrative. But how can you motivate others if you’re not feeling motivated yourself? Who Motivates You?

Bottom line...it’s you! If you want to be successful, to manage through good times and bad you’ll need to learn how to self-motivate. To help you I’ve put together some tried and tested techniques that really do work.

1. Keep Your Promises

When we’re de-motivated, apathy is often a companion and so very little tends to get started or indeed completed. As a way of combating this, aim to set yourself daily goals and make a promise to yourself that you’ll complete ‘x’ amount of goals in that day. You might want to put together a to-do list to help you along here.

2. Small Steps – Big Impact

So, you’ve hit a major challenge and this one feels like a big one. Rather that get so overwhelmed that you can’t see a way forward, try to push away thoughts about how things look down the track, and focus instead on taking whatever the next step is. And do it, one step at a time! By breaking things down in this way and taking consistent small steps, you’re more focused and more in control of the outcome.

3. Stimulate Energy

You might think, “well coffee doesn’t do it” but there are other ways. One suggestion is, if things at work feel stagnant, get your people together and have a brainstorming session to tease out ideas or suggestions. This is a bit of a win-win as you’ll get your team engaged in the future direction of your company (which is a huge employee motivator) you’re also involved plus there is always a chance that a nugget of an idea is produced that you could run with.

4.Find the Passion Again

Do you remember what it was that inspired you to take the leap and build a business of your own? Was it a love of the chosen industry, maybe a belief you could make a difference, or perhaps it was the flexibility of being your own boss that drove your choice. Whatever it was, remind yourself of how it felt when you were starting out, what it was that mattered most to you, the goals you had, the dreams you aspired to for you and your company and when motivation begins to dip tap into those memories and they’ll help you face another day.

And finally...I found this quote and I think it says it all so I thought I’d share it with you.

"You've got to get up every morning with determination if you're going to go to bed with satisfaction."

- George Horace Lorimer

Take care ...

Carole

The Rewards of Friendship

Recently I’ve been doing some reconnecting with friends from my past. Maybe it’s an age thing when realisation dawns that you’re not invincible and neither are those you care about. Other times it's a health scare acting as a wake-up call forcing us to acknowledge people are missing from our life that matter. Whichever it is, the process of reconnecting isn’t always easy and at the very least we may feel quite daunted at the prospect. Some friends will have simply drifted away through a variety of events and circumstances, while there are always others we disconnected from because of an upset long forgotten.

While away for a weekend with one friend, I couldn’t believe my luck when I saw sitting across from us in the hotel restaurant a friend I hadn’t seen in years. It was probably near enough to fifteen years since we’d last met. We knew one another from a time when my second job was behind a bar in a nightclub. And yet within minutes of meeting and been introduced to her family for the first time we were chatting away comfortably with one another. It was just effortless. With another friend, the reconnecting was harder. I always knew how to contact her but had avoided it, dreading the response I might get if I called. We had been close friends for a long time, there for one another through the ups and downs of life including our respective relationship/marriage breakdowns. In some ways, I think we became dependent on one another, and expectations about our friendship were set so high we inevitably disappointed or failed one another. When I finally plucked up the courage and made the call, I was so relieved when the voice at the other end said, “I’m glad you called.” Equally, LinkedIn has also helped to reconnect with friends and I was delighted to find out only last week that a once very happy bachelor, very much the cosmopolitan man about town at one time, is now happily married “with a child and dog.”

You might be surprised to hear that according to research, friends are more important than family and have a direct impact on our longevity. Apparently, people with a network of good friends will outlive those with lesser friends by up to 22%. For me the reconnecting with old friends has meant so much to me. I’m really happy that it’s happened. It’s like getting to know someone all over again, because we’ve all changed in ways, but equally there is a foundation already there based on familiarity, care and a respect for one another.

And while the maintaining of friendships takes work, the rewards truly outweigh the effort.

"The worst solitude is to be destitute of sincere friendship."
 - Francis Bacon 

 

What You Focus On is What You Get!

In other words, what you give your attention to, what you’re constantly thinking about or dwelling on can seem to be everywhere.

An example is when a friend visited from London. We were out doing the usual nice things together and when we finally stopped for coffee my friend said, “Carole, everyone in Dublin is pregnant!” My reply, “Really, I hadn’t noticed” stunned her. But then my friend is trying to become pregnant so when she looks around she sees babies, prams, new mothers and sweet baby clothes everywhere. As it happens, she wasn’t wrong in her observation as Ireland is having a baby boom. With less money around and many not socialising as they used to, maybe the recession has played a part in our receiving the latest accolade for the country with the highest birth rate in the EU. http://www.independent.ie/national-news/baby-boom-puts-us-on-top-of-birth-rate-league-1595151.html

 

Another example although very different is an acquaintance of mine who through his work has experienced the underbelly of society and humanity. He has seen people at their very worse, good people doing bad things, bad people just being bad. His emotional standpoint seems one of frustration and anger, anger at the world, frustrated at the people within it, angry with himself. For him, people are essentially bad and because of the way he thinks, naturally he protects himself by not engaging with others on an emotional level, and equally never placing his trust in anyone.

Over the past few years I have also had many clients, both male and female alike who more than anything else would like be in a relationship. Some have reached a point where they feel like it’s never going to happen anytime soon. And so when they meet someone of the opposite sex they forget the skills learned from a child as to how to ‘meet’ with someone, to learn something new about them, have fun, or simply just converse. Instead, they begin an immediate process of evaluating whether or not this new person could be a potential long-term partner. In an effort to impress, behaviour may become stilted or worse, so enthusiastic you appear completely manic.

And then there’s me. Well, I’ve been spending way too much time lately listening to current affairs on both radio and TV. Sunday mornings in particular I really go to town altogether, as I love nothing more than faffing around while listening to Sunday Miscellany, Miriam Meets, and then the Marian Finucane  show on RTE radio 1. With Marion on holidays, Charlie Bird has taken over the role and true to the usual format had a bumper crop of guests on to discuss what’s happening in Ireland today. As usual, the topics inevitably included Anglo Irish Bank, the recent spike in unemployment figures, and featured interviews with graduates stating they had no choice other than emigrate if wanting jobs. About three quarters of the way into the programme I realised I needed to instigate another round of blackout media days to recover my optimism equilibrium. For as I listened to Charlie’s guests my stomach was clenching and I knew I was beginning to feel anxious. One guest in particular was the primary culprit as he referred to the Irish public as being over optimistic in believing things would be better by next year. We have succumbed, he said, to the optimistic approach of Brian Cowen and his party. Were it not for the fact I was trying to overcome an anxiety attack I might have fallen off the chair and laughed ‘til my head fell off at that last comment. Brian Cowen– optimistic... please?

Ok, so what point am I trying to make here?

Bottom line...how we 'think' manifests in how we behave. And if it isn’t working for us then we need to change how we think.

Taking a Risk on Others
For someone to go through life without placing trust in another for fear of potential hurt or harm must be an intensely lonely experience. Life is all about taking risks, it’s how we grow and develop and to not do so simply leaves us stunted. Opening up to the possibility that people are in fact inherently good but with frailties that will have them err or fail can introduce compassion while helping to minimise negative judgement of others. It’s a starting point for a more happy and fulfilled life.

Marry in Haste, Repent at Leisure
For singletons, taking a step back to understand what is the underlying reason for the panic to meet and marry a partner is often hugely rewarding if not freeing. Perhaps you’ve been trying to meet cultural or family expectations that state ‘you should be married by now.’ On the other hand, the panic might be linked to self-esteem, a secret belief that says, ‘if no one wants me then there must be something wrong with me.’ I’m sure, like me, you have heard about or know someone who for reasons similar to the above got married, some in haste, and afterwards desperately regretted it. You don’t have to be that person.

Hello Easy Listening
And for me? Well, I am going to hold on to the belief that things are going to get better here in Ireland. I am optimistic my company will be successful, that I will have lots of work and loads of new clients. To think otherwise only means getting caught up in anxiety and negativity which is just counterproductive. So for now, it’s ‘bye bye’ Charlie, Morning Ireland, the news ... 1pm, 6pm, and 9pm (the joys of working from home) and hello to the music of the Mamas and Papas, Michael Buble, and radio Q102 (easy listening).

It’s time for positive thinking again!

When a Number is Nothing More Than a Number

Strange how a number can affect the mood. Whether it is 30, 40, 50, or some other number very often a perceived milestone birthday is a time to reassess and ask questions like ‘what have I done so far with my life?’ For some it means casting a weary eye back over times when we’ve failed or towards goals not yet achieved. The life we envisaged when an idealistic 18 or 20 year-old may seem nothing more than a taunt that spirals us into the process of shoulds. I should have done ..... I should be.... I should have by now.... And so we find ourselves facing head-on the regrets we have about our life. And yet very often we forget that a life lived without gathering regrets along the way is impossible. Worse is if we become mired in those past regrets, as it can have the effect of stultifying our present. Emotions can range from disappointment, sadness, remorse, even anger -none of them useful or helpful when it comes to our emotional or physical wellbeing.

What's Done is Done

‘Let it go’ you might have heard family or friends counsel. And while easier said than done it is possible. Begin by looking as objectively as you can at the regrets you harbour and the ensuing emotions. As you do, try to view yourself with some level of compassion while acknowledge that none of us is perfect –we all make mistakes. It’s part of living. For circumstances or events you had no control over, it’s time to let go and learn acceptance. For other times when behaviours, actions, or decisions you made hurt or negatively affected others, accept your responsibility and do what you can to make amends. Ask for forgiveness if you still have an opportunity to do so. Extend love to those closest and dearest.

As with every event, or experience there is always learning. The positive side to having regrets is what they teach us. We gain knowledge and with that knowledge we are equipped to make better choices and decisions as to how we want life to be from here on. Instead of looking back at what might have been, a milestone birthday is a chance for new beginnings, and creating new opportunities. Life might look very different from how we dreamed it at 18 but then again how many of us really knew much about life at 18?

“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” - Alexander Graham Bell

Is It Possible to be Happy when Unemployed?

For many the answer might be a swift ‘No, it’s not.’ And I can understand that immediate reply if like me you’re frequently checking to see what level your funds are at, and wondering if there is some magical way of making them stretch further than you know is conceivably possible. Even more so if you are someone who, up to now, has viewed being unemployed as such a complete unknown that it represents for you both fear and shame. Fear the lifestyle you became used to will change and shame that others might judge your joblessness unfairly or cruelly. For others again they will be trying to cope with a feeling of having lost a sense of self because over time they have come to see themselves as defined by their job. Losing a job for them has even bigger implications.

And yet while I can empathise with all of the above, I still think it is possible to be happy while unemployed. I certainly won’t deny money is an absolute necessity and essential in supporting our most basic needs i.e. that of eating, having a roof over our heads, and some level of security. However, according to the humanistic psychologist, Abraham Maslow,  once our basic needs are satisfied, humans will then look to others for love, affection and a sense of belonging. And neither a job or money can buy those.

However, if being happy while unemployed is too difficult a concept to come to terms with, perhaps the following might help to become a little happier.

The Practicalities

Fear has a way of paralyzing us, stunting our ability to think straight and make any decision with clarity. So, the first thing you need to do is accept what has happened. You do not have employment. This is your reality – for now. So, forget about feeling any kind of shame, there are many others just like you in the exact same position, so get up, get out, and find out about all the benefits and support that you can avail of. These are the things you must have in place in order to protect you and your family’s basic needs. Getting this in place will help by reducing your stress levels and in turn allow you focus on other things.

Reconnect with Family & Friends

If you have a family, use this time to reconnect with your partner and kids. I don’t have kids but I feel over the last while I have begun to know my nieces and nephews better than ever before. I always felt a little guilty believing they saw me as the aunt who turned up, flustered, and rushed, who always seemed to be travelling and to boot had no idea what was going on in their lives. Also, while my siblings are dealing with their own challenges around family unemployment, we’ve managed to spend time together talking about our concerns for the future and equally we’ve laughed a lot too.

When it comes to friends, generally we choose people we know will accept us – regardless of whether it’s a BMW or a Fiesta sitting outside the door. Spend as much time as you can with your friends, confide in them, trust them with your thoughts. If previously you connected over dinner parties but haven’t recently because it’s just too extravagant then why not follow the lead of my friends. We each bring a dish and a bottle of wine so no one person is left with the cost of hosting plus best of all there is less stress all round for the host with the number of chefs buzzing around in the kitchen.

Over recent times, with my finances on the floor it’s been amazing how between family and friends I’ve been to some marvellous get-togethers. All of this helps by keeping you connected with others plus it’s helps boost both morale and self-esteem.

One golden rule here: Aim to surround yourself as much as possible with as many positive people as you can.

A Time for New Growth & Development

One of the biggest contributors to unemployment depression is having the lack of routine a job provided. Most unemployed people say they dread facing another day with seemingly nothing to do. So plan your days just as if you were working. Allocate different activities to each day or part thereof. Do the things you never had the opportunity to do when working. If it’s gardening, painting the house, going to an afternoon movie with the kids – do it. But also use this time to explore whether that dream job is a viable option for you. Start doing the research. Use the library if you don’t have access to the internet, find someone who is already doing that job, and talk to them. Look for a mentor. If the job you did have is the right one for you...get better at it. Look for training courses that will keep your skills current and up to date. If there’s a cost attached...find out if you can get support to cover it. Have you got a creative side? Well, now is the time to try it out. You might also think about helping others that could well be worse off than you. Ask in your local community about volunteering. The very act of helping others can be hugely rewarding plus it can be a reminder of just how much we have ourselves.

All in all, it’s easy to fill your days, once you put a little bit of planning into it.

Networking

Being out of work is the very time that you need to connect with others in your professional network. You might not feel like doing it but it works. It doesn’t have to be the long lunches of the past; meeting over coffee is very acceptable. People know people and very often jobs come via referral. To use an Americanism, you need to get as much ‘Face Time’ as you can with others, that way you won’t be forgotten. So put on your best suit, your widest smile and work it!

A little Dose of Gratitude

Finally, I’ve often noticed others look at me quizzically when I say “But I’m lucky.” My doctor (on a fairly routine visit) said recently, “it’s ok not to be happy Carole.” But the fact is I am happy. I have family, friends, and professional colleagues that have supported and rallied round me when I needed it and I am grateful for that. I’ve had time to retrain, refocus, and discover aspects of me I didn’t have time to explore when working as I was when at full throttle. I’ve also become closer to my family. I feel I know them better now and that means a lot to me. So for me at least this time has given me a chance to recognise what’s important in my life.

So, when the economy picks up again, and it will, and I’m working flat out I know I will look back on this time with a sense of gratitude for giving me an opportunity to see that life is much more than merely a job. Mind you ..... I am looking for one!

For now, I wish you luck and good fortune in seeking employment and remember happiness is a state of mind.

Carole

Type Dynamics
Business Consultancy, Training, & Counselling Services
Tel. + 353 (0) 85 778 5615
Web: http://www.typedynamics.ie/
Email: carolesmith@typedynamics.ie

Tribalism in our Lives

Northsiders and Southsiders

Just recently, I had the fortune to bump into an acquaintance I hadn’t seen for a number of years. As we shared our history, we naturally gravitated to talking a little about our respective families. My acquaintance related a story of how her mother, an amazing woman in her early nineties with a mind as alert as ever was recently admitted into hospital. The hospital is located on the north side of Dublin and about 13 kilometres at most from the home of the woman in question whose home is on the south side of Dublin city. For those of you unfamiliar with Dublin, it’s a small city by European standards that and it is divided by the river Liffey. In the workplaces, restaurants and bars around Dublin you’ll often hear the locals ask one another, ‘Are you a Northsider or a Southsider?” and it’s usually followed by jocularity and half-hearted rivalry.

To get back to my story, my acquaintance told how when she arrived in to visit her mother, she was delighted to see that not only was her mother as alert as ever but how enamoured she was with her roommates. However, her delight turned to quiet embarrassment when her mother announced loudly (due to deafness) with incredulity and surprise, “These Northsiders are actually nice people!” My friend insisted that yes her mother truly was surprised. While this little vignette could be considered humorous, and it was at the time, later I couldn’t help but think how a belief formulated over time without an apparent need to check for veracity had lead someone to hold such a generalised viewpoint about the people she shared a city with. A city that is at peace and where no walls separate one side from the other.

Them and Us

In less recent times, I worked in a small organisation where sales were the lifeblood of the company. For the first few years, that I worked there the environment was a really healthy and cooperative one. When I look back, I remember everyone working incredibly hard, but it was also a time of high spirits and good will. However, all that changed when a decision made by the owner/manager to incentivise one sales team while excluding others became public to all. The team in question sold the most lucrative service/product offering that came with the fastest turnover. It was the quick sale, fast money department and for the owner it made complete sense to focus his energy and attention on driving up these sales by making sure the team in question was happy. And he did all he could to have that happen. However, over a short period of time, that decision had the effect of creating a divisiveness never previously experienced in the organisation and for the first time a ‘them and us’ culture was spawned. Resentments, rifts, and bickering spread like a winter cold throughout the organisation and a once happy, cooperative working environment became one fuelled by apathy and low morale.

And while I don’t really want to get into politics it’s hard not to when the UK elections were so recent and we saw how Northern Ireland had a part to play in the outcome. Yet, even after 10 years of peace and much talk of vision for Northern Ireland that is about inclusiveness, we saw instead a return to sectarianism. A vote became a vote for ‘Green’ or ‘Orange’ rather than the party that embodied positive change for all. When asked to comment one electorate was quoted as saying, “It will take another generation at least before we’ll see that change here.”

There is no doubt tribalism in all its forms, does affect how we think and behave towards others. A group or a team can becomes exclusive with those outside becoming the unknown quantity, the opponent and given time and the right set of circumstances, even the enemy. For the exclusive group, feelings of being superior are common alongside judgements that those outside the group must somehow be inferior. In its own way tribalism, be it in the boardroom, the classroom or at the kitchen table not only stifles our experience of others but also detracts from our happiness and the happiness levels of those around us. ‘Wake Up’ as Anthony De Mello S.J. might say and become aware of how an open mind is your key to happiness.

Carole

______________________________________________

Happiness Newsletter May 2010 © Carole Smith / Type Dynamics Tel: 085 778 5615

Love ...And the Passion Slaves

What is Love?

Love can be truly unconditional and impossible to measure like that of a love between a mother and a child. Love has also many dimensions to it and can change from one relationship to another. For some it’s a kind of madness, an adrenalin rush of emotions that makes an ordinary life seem less so and if asked to define love they may look to Hollywood for help.

Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back - Movie: Meet Joe Black (1998)

Love Addiction

The kind of love referred to in quote above is romantic love and it is the most powerful sensation you will ever feel. In romantic love, you develop an intense attachment to another and will do all kinds of crazy things to be with your love, to have their love, to be their only love. It’s staying up all night together talking, and whizzing through work the following day feeling energised and totally hyped waiting to spend more time with your loved one. If you’re feeling this way now about someone be reassured, you’re not completely mad. Scientists tell us these intense feelings of passion have a biological basis to them and when in a heightened state of romantic love your body is literally flooded with amphetamine like chemicals. Your focus becomes finely tuned like a heat-seeking missile with one direction only -towards that of your loved one. You’re constantly thinking about the person you’ve decided is ‘the one.’ You are love addicted

Euphoria

In this euphoric state, you idealise your loved one, bestowing on them qualities and attributes far beyond what any one human being could possess. If, through this fog you see your loved one has imperfections you minimise them, even considering them adorable. At last, you say, my dreams are finally realised; this is the person that will make me feel whole, the soulmate I’ve been waiting for. And because your feelings are so intense you convince yourself that what you’re feeling is real. This madness, this addiction you declare to all must be love.

Burn Out

However, with every high, there is a low and although the euphoric period varies with each couple, it will end at some point. It's nature's way of preventing us from burning out completely. While making all those grand gestures is fun even exhilarating it can become exhausting. And so you enter the next stage of the relationship, the low, the period of disillusionment.

Do I Know You?

For some the period of disillusionment is unsettling and questions surface like, ‘Who is this person I’m with?’ Realisation has dawned that your soulmate sees things differently to you, has opinions that are at odd with yours, and most perplexing of all they can be boring/loud/obnoxious or silly at times. This is a time for you to move on quickly, feeling justified in doing so by a belief that says without the high, something is wrong with the relationship. ‘I got it wrong, he/she wasn’t right for me.'

Acceptance
Others will move from the period of disillusionment into the next phase the ‘mature love’ stage. This is when the relationship takes on deeper meaning; it's a place of calm, friendship, commitment, intimacy and most of all acceptance of one another -just as you are. It’s having faith and trust in one another that if you’re worried, concerned, or vulnerable there is someone who will listen and hear you.

Love - A Decision?

While you might not want to hear this, when you tell yourself “I can’t help how I feel,” the truth is you can! When we speak of love, we tend to think of our heart yet love does not come from the heart it comes from the brain. It is a cognitive process...and it involves choice. 

I am making a decision to no longer love you or

I am making a decision to love you.

Love is not a feeling ...the reality is, it is an action, an activity and it requires courage, effort, wisdom and practice. 

For the passion slaves not realising this, the search for the 'real' soulmate will continue for as long as they believe the problem lies with the person they love rather than their ideas about love or the expectations they set for a partner. Equally, happiness, for them, will remain elusive as it soars and dives with each love addiction. 

Happiness Newsletter March 2010

Welcome to the Happiness Newsletter - March 2010

-From Carole Smith at Type Dynamics

Hi there,

According to Martin Seligman, if we are to achieve happiness in our lives we must recognise there are four key components:

• A Meaningful Life
• Authenticity  
• Purpose in Life
• Strengths (Signature strengths e.g. integrity, kindness)

In this month's newsletter, I am concentrating on ‘meaning.’ Specifically, what is a meaningful life and how does it contribute to our overall happiness levels?

As always, I hope the content provokes questions or thoughts for you but most of all that you enjoy the newsletter.

And don’t forget I very much welcome any comments or feedback you may have.

Regards,

Carole

Email: carolesmith@typedynamics.ie / Website: http://www.typedynamics.ie/

Happiness Newsletter Feb 2010

Hello Again,



As we’ve recently celebrated St. Valentine’s Day I though this month I’d look at some of the ideas we have about a day that is dedicated to lovers the world over.

I hope you enjoy this months newsletter and as ever I am always interested in hearing your comments or thoughts so feel free to email me as I welcome all feedback.


Regards,

Carole

Website: http://www.typedynamics.ie/

Happiness Newsletter Jan 2010

Hello Again,


As we are beginning a new year, a new decade even I want to wish you a truly Happy 2010 from Type Dynamics.

Last year pushed many of us into having to reassess and rethink our views around various aspects of our lives. For some there has been a lot of change, some good, some not so good but as we enter into 2010 there is a sense of some confidence creeping back into our communal psyche. Ever the optimist I am looking forward to 2010 as a year that will bring new challenges and with it growth and new learning for all of us.

This months newletter is about how when we connect with others it can lead to increased happiness and wellbeing.

I hope you enjoy it and as always your comments are always welcome.

Regards,

Carole

Happiness Newsletter Dec 2009

Guess what ....our natural state is that of happiness!


When I first heard this, frankly I was the skeptic (most probably not the only one) within the group who thought the very nice speaker just a little daft to believe this. I remember wanting to say, “So, my natural state is happiness is it? Well, you don’t know me then.” However, as I listened then and many other times since I began to understand what it was I was been gently told.

This month’s newsletter teases out the idea that happiness is in fact our natural way of being. For some it may seem too difficult an idea to embrace easily but perhaps the following might provoke some questions and some insights for you.

I hope you enjoy.

Carole