Recreating our past into our present

Isn’t it interesting how we can recreate in our life what we knew in our childhood, and how we can do it without any real consciousness around it.

I had a client, let's call her Susan, who talked about how she never had any time, how she was always doing something, driving to relatives to make sure they were okay, doing chores for them, picking them up, dropping them off. When a colleague, a single parent, complained about a lack of babysitters and her inability to reach the hairdressers Susan immediately offered to help. And this was on her Saturday morning off! All of this by the way was on top of a very successful but stressful full time career. Oh and did I mention she was also married? When I met her, Susan’s relationship didn’t seem to be suffering but as we talked it was clear some signs were there that her husband of two years was beginning to feel frustrated at the lack of quality time the couple were spending together. Just listening to Susan describe her average week was enough to make me feel tired. It was a constant whirlwind of activity with little or no downtime. And it was evident it was taking its toll as Susan had an ulcer, was suffering with IBS, was constantly tired and her stress levels were through the roof. On asking Susan, what was it that motivated her constant need to run around doing things for others she would say, “I don’t know why. I just do it. I can’t imagine doing nothing.”


As we worked together some more, Susan began to talk about her upbringing. She spoke of how, around eight years old, her mother began having affairs outside the marriage. Susan remembers her mother would disappear for days on end leaving her and her siblings to cope along with a father who was battling with his own addiction with alcohol. When her mother became involved in a long-term relationship she would swoop in occasionally, but for the most part, remained absent while getting on with her new life. At some point, Susan recalls her father deciding it would be best for the children if they lived with their grandmother (his mother) to give them some stability. While the children would spend weekdays at their grandmothers, they would visit their father at weekends. However, that changed when their mother remarried as she wanted the children to spend the weekends with her and her new husband. Susan spoke of the subsequent shunting back and forth between grandmother, father, and her mother with her new husband. This continued until Susan’s grandmother died suddenly when she and her siblings moved in full-time with her mother and stepfather. However, it wasn't long before Susan’s mother upped and left her second marriage, leaving behind her a devastated husband with four step-kids to look after. For over a year, they didn’t see or hear from their mother. Listening to Susan recount her childhood, the sense of chaos the children must have experienced was acutely evident but it’s crucial to understand whether right or wrong, good or bad, it was the only kind of life Susan and her siblings knew. To her credit, she had somehow managed to cope with it. But it was also clear that Susan was now unconsciously recreating a different kind of chaos in her adult life because chaos was familiar to her. It was what she knew.

This is what’s known as a ‘breakthrough’ point when the client becomes aware of their actions or behaviour and begin to understand the reasons behind it.  It is only at this point, when we have this kind of heigtened awareness that we are ready to start making the changes that will help create the life we really want.

Happy to be Irish

Maybe you’re just as much IMF’ed, EUB’ed and Anglo’ed out of it as I am but in some ways recent events prompted me to reflect on what it is that makes me happy to be Irish.

Kindness of strangers

While we might have lost some of our natural compassion for others during the Celtic Tiger days, I’ve seen resurgence in the caring words shared between strangers in the post office, at the local bus stop, or standing in the supermarket queue. Recently when struggling to find coins for the parking metre, and having not a lot of luck, a voice behind me said, “Here, I have some, take them.” Small gestures, each a connection of sorts and with it the unsaid message, ‘we’re all in this together.’

Charitable Donations

Three out of every four people in the Republic donate to charity, and while the sums donated have fallen, there is still a strong ethos ingrained in the Irish psyche of wanting to give to those more in need. Whatever the donation, whether financial or time, little or large, at Christmas or at Lent, all of it helps. In a funny kind of way it’s reassuring even comforting to know I’m surrounded by people who still have the generosity of spirit to reach out to others in their time of need.

Ambassadors and Culture

For a small country of 4 million, we have some formidable and highly respected global ambassadors including Mary Robinson, Bono, and Bob Geldof, who in their separate ways have campaigned for human rights, debt relief, and anti-poverty relief for third world countries. When it comes to culture, we’re no slouch there either with Dublin only the fourth city to receive the prized UNESCO City of Literature award. The award is in recognition of Dublin’s rich historical literary past and its international standing as a city of contemporary literary excellence.

The craic is mighty!

Regardless of the rapid changes in our society and the depletion of our collective wealth, we haven’t lost the banter or wit we’re famous for, or indeed the ability to conjure up a bit of ‘craic’ even in a crowd of two. Some of the remarks and jokes circulating via text, email, on Facebook, and Twitter about the state of the economy, the ‘new Irish,’ have been quite dark but for the most part hilarious. Perhaps our ability to resort to humour even in our most challenging of times is what keeps us from collectively going insane. Keep it up I say! 
A little sample of the kind of humour that makes us want to cry and laugh at the same time. Here ya go Cowan says sorry!

Strong Family Bonds

Love them or hate them, we can’t seem to live without our families. And where best to experience the passion and emotions that enmesh a typical Irish family is none other than the family get together. For the best barnies of all, it has to be those around Christmas time. As kids are running from room to room, roaring and shouting, and adults’ mill around glass in hand, noise levels ratchet up, and inevitably stress levels creep towards the roof. After a dinner accompanied by more wine, with florid faces and bulging guts, everyone starts to feel like pigs in a pen. Just about then your mother and sister bring up the ‘incident’ that happened back in ‘89. Within minutes, everyone has an opinion and come hell or high water, everyone must have his or her say. Not long after it’s time to go home, the goodbyes are said, the one for the road is finished and as you head out the door you think to yourself, “Ah well, thank God that’s all over for another year.”

So, would I have it any other way? As much as I might grumble, complain, or agonise over decisions, events, and circumstances we find ourselves in today, it doesn’t take away the fact that yes, I am indeed happy to be Irish.

With best regards,

Carole Smith

Website: Type Dynamics

Facebook: LifeCoachingwithCarole

Twitter: http://twitter.com/CaroleSmith_

Tel: (353) 85 778 5615

What is Coaching All About?

If you’ve ever wondered how coaching works there is one question you can expect to hear from a coach and it is, “What is it that you want?” A simple enough question but for so many they will struggle to answer it. Often the reply is ’I don’t know.’ The person answering may be referring to their relationship, their career, or their future. They will know they want something to change but for a variety of reasons may feel unable to name what it is.

So why is it so difficult to know what it is we want?

Sometimes it’s the busyness of life that leaves us dulled even a little punch-drunk and it takes a major event before we wake up and recognise that something about our life has to change. For others, the impact to the lives of colleagues, or family might seem like a good reason to suppress any desire for change. Some examples are the mother, seeing her children growing up and moving away and she begins to feel she no longer has a role in life. She might ask, “How did I get here? I’m forty-six, my kids are at college, and my husband and I rattle around in the house together with nothing left to talk about. What can I do?” Or what about the man, who has worked over thirty years, managing people and departments, who now finds himself at home with no one to direct or manage but himself, he might say, “I don’t know what to do with my time, the days just stretch out endlessly and I’m feeling low most of the time. What can I do?” For the entrepreneur, whose passion brought his company to where it is today, he might say, “I’ve lost interest; it’s no longer the fun start-up I created. I want something else but I just don’t know what.”

Yes ...but what is it that you want?

This is not an idle question posed by your coach. It’s part of the discovery process that sets out to help you gain self-awareness and fresh perspective about you and what you want from life. It’s about exploring what it is that makes you tick. For some it will mean tapping into distant memories to answer that.  For so many, life has become such a serious endeavour that even the unrestrained laughter remembered from youth is rarely heard or experienced.  For others the passion that once drove them to build a company culminated in a secure role that now feels hopelessly mundane and mind numbing.  So this journey you set out on with your coach is about rediscovering what makes you laugh, brings tears to your eyes, gives you joy or has you break out in a sweat and your heart pulsate faster. It’s about uncovering your passion, your purpose in life and exploring if it has evolved into something different to what it once was.

Powerful Questions

Whether it is your relationship or your career your coach will work with you by asking powerful but simple questions that will help you discover what it is you want from life now. Examples are:

Q:What was good about your relationship at the beginning?

Q:What was it about setting up your own business that drove your passion?

Q:To have that again, what would need to happen?

Q:What steps do you have to take that are your responsibility?

Q:What do you need from others to support you in achieving your goal?

Q:What are the wider implications to you/your family/your employees if you choose a different path?

So it is Simple then?

In a way it is, however coaching works because you are not talking with someone who has a personal agenda about the outcome of any decision you make. That allows you the freedom to explore in confidence, with a professional trained to ask the right questions, the rationale, the logistics, the emotional impact of any change you might want to implement.

What do you get out it?

For the most part, it’s clarity of mind. And when there is clarity, we are better equipped to make the right decision. Surely, that alone makes the investment in coaching all the more worthwhile.

Self-Motivate to Success

It’s easy to become de-motivated particularly given our current economic climate and the excess of negative media stories we’re subjected to day after day. If like me, and you are a small business owner relying primarily on your own resources and energies to get up and at it each day, it can be a struggle to remain focused and positive. Equally, many small business owners having made lay-offs are now coping with a change in their own working roles. For some there’s a whole lot less of general management and directing the future of their organisation to a more hands-on type role. An example is moving back into a front line customer service and sales role to strengthen a smaller team. Some make the transition easy, for others it’s more difficult, and has the potential to eat away at motivation.

The problem is, as an owner/manager, whether your role is hands-on or not, part of that role requires you to motivate and inspire your team so that they fulfil the goals and objectives necessary to keep your business lucrative. But how can you motivate others if you’re not feeling motivated yourself? Who Motivates You?

Bottom line...it’s you! If you want to be successful, to manage through good times and bad you’ll need to learn how to self-motivate. To help you I’ve put together some tried and tested techniques that really do work.

1. Keep Your Promises

When we’re de-motivated, apathy is often a companion and so very little tends to get started or indeed completed. As a way of combating this, aim to set yourself daily goals and make a promise to yourself that you’ll complete ‘x’ amount of goals in that day. You might want to put together a to-do list to help you along here.

2. Small Steps – Big Impact

So, you’ve hit a major challenge and this one feels like a big one. Rather that get so overwhelmed that you can’t see a way forward, try to push away thoughts about how things look down the track, and focus instead on taking whatever the next step is. And do it, one step at a time! By breaking things down in this way and taking consistent small steps, you’re more focused and more in control of the outcome.

3. Stimulate Energy

You might think, “well coffee doesn’t do it” but there are other ways. One suggestion is, if things at work feel stagnant, get your people together and have a brainstorming session to tease out ideas or suggestions. This is a bit of a win-win as you’ll get your team engaged in the future direction of your company (which is a huge employee motivator) you’re also involved plus there is always a chance that a nugget of an idea is produced that you could run with.

4.Find the Passion Again

Do you remember what it was that inspired you to take the leap and build a business of your own? Was it a love of the chosen industry, maybe a belief you could make a difference, or perhaps it was the flexibility of being your own boss that drove your choice. Whatever it was, remind yourself of how it felt when you were starting out, what it was that mattered most to you, the goals you had, the dreams you aspired to for you and your company and when motivation begins to dip tap into those memories and they’ll help you face another day.

And finally...I found this quote and I think it says it all so I thought I’d share it with you.

"You've got to get up every morning with determination if you're going to go to bed with satisfaction."

- George Horace Lorimer

Take care ...

Carole

The Rewards of Friendship

Recently I’ve been doing some reconnecting with friends from my past. Maybe it’s an age thing when realisation dawns that you’re not invincible and neither are those you care about. Other times it's a health scare acting as a wake-up call forcing us to acknowledge people are missing from our life that matter. Whichever it is, the process of reconnecting isn’t always easy and at the very least we may feel quite daunted at the prospect. Some friends will have simply drifted away through a variety of events and circumstances, while there are always others we disconnected from because of an upset long forgotten.

While away for a weekend with one friend, I couldn’t believe my luck when I saw sitting across from us in the hotel restaurant a friend I hadn’t seen in years. It was probably near enough to fifteen years since we’d last met. We knew one another from a time when my second job was behind a bar in a nightclub. And yet within minutes of meeting and been introduced to her family for the first time we were chatting away comfortably with one another. It was just effortless. With another friend, the reconnecting was harder. I always knew how to contact her but had avoided it, dreading the response I might get if I called. We had been close friends for a long time, there for one another through the ups and downs of life including our respective relationship/marriage breakdowns. In some ways, I think we became dependent on one another, and expectations about our friendship were set so high we inevitably disappointed or failed one another. When I finally plucked up the courage and made the call, I was so relieved when the voice at the other end said, “I’m glad you called.” Equally, LinkedIn has also helped to reconnect with friends and I was delighted to find out only last week that a once very happy bachelor, very much the cosmopolitan man about town at one time, is now happily married “with a child and dog.”

You might be surprised to hear that according to research, friends are more important than family and have a direct impact on our longevity. Apparently, people with a network of good friends will outlive those with lesser friends by up to 22%. For me the reconnecting with old friends has meant so much to me. I’m really happy that it’s happened. It’s like getting to know someone all over again, because we’ve all changed in ways, but equally there is a foundation already there based on familiarity, care and a respect for one another.

And while the maintaining of friendships takes work, the rewards truly outweigh the effort.

"The worst solitude is to be destitute of sincere friendship."
 - Francis Bacon 

 

What You Focus On is What You Get!

In other words, what you give your attention to, what you’re constantly thinking about or dwelling on can seem to be everywhere.

An example is when a friend visited from London. We were out doing the usual nice things together and when we finally stopped for coffee my friend said, “Carole, everyone in Dublin is pregnant!” My reply, “Really, I hadn’t noticed” stunned her. But then my friend is trying to become pregnant so when she looks around she sees babies, prams, new mothers and sweet baby clothes everywhere. As it happens, she wasn’t wrong in her observation as Ireland is having a baby boom. With less money around and many not socialising as they used to, maybe the recession has played a part in our receiving the latest accolade for the country with the highest birth rate in the EU. http://www.independent.ie/national-news/baby-boom-puts-us-on-top-of-birth-rate-league-1595151.html

 

Another example although very different is an acquaintance of mine who through his work has experienced the underbelly of society and humanity. He has seen people at their very worse, good people doing bad things, bad people just being bad. His emotional standpoint seems one of frustration and anger, anger at the world, frustrated at the people within it, angry with himself. For him, people are essentially bad and because of the way he thinks, naturally he protects himself by not engaging with others on an emotional level, and equally never placing his trust in anyone.

Over the past few years I have also had many clients, both male and female alike who more than anything else would like be in a relationship. Some have reached a point where they feel like it’s never going to happen anytime soon. And so when they meet someone of the opposite sex they forget the skills learned from a child as to how to ‘meet’ with someone, to learn something new about them, have fun, or simply just converse. Instead, they begin an immediate process of evaluating whether or not this new person could be a potential long-term partner. In an effort to impress, behaviour may become stilted or worse, so enthusiastic you appear completely manic.

And then there’s me. Well, I’ve been spending way too much time lately listening to current affairs on both radio and TV. Sunday mornings in particular I really go to town altogether, as I love nothing more than faffing around while listening to Sunday Miscellany, Miriam Meets, and then the Marian Finucane  show on RTE radio 1. With Marion on holidays, Charlie Bird has taken over the role and true to the usual format had a bumper crop of guests on to discuss what’s happening in Ireland today. As usual, the topics inevitably included Anglo Irish Bank, the recent spike in unemployment figures, and featured interviews with graduates stating they had no choice other than emigrate if wanting jobs. About three quarters of the way into the programme I realised I needed to instigate another round of blackout media days to recover my optimism equilibrium. For as I listened to Charlie’s guests my stomach was clenching and I knew I was beginning to feel anxious. One guest in particular was the primary culprit as he referred to the Irish public as being over optimistic in believing things would be better by next year. We have succumbed, he said, to the optimistic approach of Brian Cowen and his party. Were it not for the fact I was trying to overcome an anxiety attack I might have fallen off the chair and laughed ‘til my head fell off at that last comment. Brian Cowen– optimistic... please?

Ok, so what point am I trying to make here?

Bottom line...how we 'think' manifests in how we behave. And if it isn’t working for us then we need to change how we think.

Taking a Risk on Others
For someone to go through life without placing trust in another for fear of potential hurt or harm must be an intensely lonely experience. Life is all about taking risks, it’s how we grow and develop and to not do so simply leaves us stunted. Opening up to the possibility that people are in fact inherently good but with frailties that will have them err or fail can introduce compassion while helping to minimise negative judgement of others. It’s a starting point for a more happy and fulfilled life.

Marry in Haste, Repent at Leisure
For singletons, taking a step back to understand what is the underlying reason for the panic to meet and marry a partner is often hugely rewarding if not freeing. Perhaps you’ve been trying to meet cultural or family expectations that state ‘you should be married by now.’ On the other hand, the panic might be linked to self-esteem, a secret belief that says, ‘if no one wants me then there must be something wrong with me.’ I’m sure, like me, you have heard about or know someone who for reasons similar to the above got married, some in haste, and afterwards desperately regretted it. You don’t have to be that person.

Hello Easy Listening
And for me? Well, I am going to hold on to the belief that things are going to get better here in Ireland. I am optimistic my company will be successful, that I will have lots of work and loads of new clients. To think otherwise only means getting caught up in anxiety and negativity which is just counterproductive. So for now, it’s ‘bye bye’ Charlie, Morning Ireland, the news ... 1pm, 6pm, and 9pm (the joys of working from home) and hello to the music of the Mamas and Papas, Michael Buble, and radio Q102 (easy listening).

It’s time for positive thinking again!

When a Number is Nothing More Than a Number

Strange how a number can affect the mood. Whether it is 30, 40, 50, or some other number very often a perceived milestone birthday is a time to reassess and ask questions like ‘what have I done so far with my life?’ For some it means casting a weary eye back over times when we’ve failed or towards goals not yet achieved. The life we envisaged when an idealistic 18 or 20 year-old may seem nothing more than a taunt that spirals us into the process of shoulds. I should have done ..... I should be.... I should have by now.... And so we find ourselves facing head-on the regrets we have about our life. And yet very often we forget that a life lived without gathering regrets along the way is impossible. Worse is if we become mired in those past regrets, as it can have the effect of stultifying our present. Emotions can range from disappointment, sadness, remorse, even anger -none of them useful or helpful when it comes to our emotional or physical wellbeing.

What's Done is Done

‘Let it go’ you might have heard family or friends counsel. And while easier said than done it is possible. Begin by looking as objectively as you can at the regrets you harbour and the ensuing emotions. As you do, try to view yourself with some level of compassion while acknowledge that none of us is perfect –we all make mistakes. It’s part of living. For circumstances or events you had no control over, it’s time to let go and learn acceptance. For other times when behaviours, actions, or decisions you made hurt or negatively affected others, accept your responsibility and do what you can to make amends. Ask for forgiveness if you still have an opportunity to do so. Extend love to those closest and dearest.

As with every event, or experience there is always learning. The positive side to having regrets is what they teach us. We gain knowledge and with that knowledge we are equipped to make better choices and decisions as to how we want life to be from here on. Instead of looking back at what might have been, a milestone birthday is a chance for new beginnings, and creating new opportunities. Life might look very different from how we dreamed it at 18 but then again how many of us really knew much about life at 18?

“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” - Alexander Graham Bell