Isn’t it interesting how we can recreate in our life what we knew in our childhood, and how we can do it without any real consciousness around it.
I had a client, let's call her Susan, who talked about how she never had any time, how she was always doing something, driving to relatives to make sure they were okay, doing chores for them, picking them up, dropping them off. When a colleague, a single parent, complained about a lack of babysitters and her inability to reach the hairdressers Susan immediately offered to help. And this was on her Saturday morning off! All of this by the way was on top of a very successful but stressful full time career. Oh and did I mention she was also married? When I met her, Susan’s relationship didn’t seem to be suffering but as we talked it was clear some signs were there that her husband of two years was beginning to feel frustrated at the lack of quality time the couple were spending together. Just listening to Susan describe her average week was enough to make me feel tired. It was a constant whirlwind of activity with little or no downtime. And it was evident it was taking its toll as Susan had an ulcer, was suffering with IBS, was constantly tired and her stress levels were through the roof. On asking Susan, what was it that motivated her constant need to run around doing things for others she would say, “I don’t know why. I just do it. I can’t imagine doing nothing.”
As we worked together some more, Susan began to talk about her upbringing. She spoke of how, around eight years old, her mother began having affairs outside the marriage. Susan remembers her mother would disappear for days on end leaving her and her siblings to cope along with a father who was battling with his own addiction with alcohol. When her mother became involved in a long-term relationship she would swoop in occasionally, but for the most part, remained absent while getting on with her new life. At some point, Susan recalls her father deciding it would be best for the children if they lived with their grandmother (his mother) to give them some stability. While the children would spend weekdays at their grandmothers, they would visit their father at weekends. However, that changed when their mother remarried as she wanted the children to spend the weekends with her and her new husband. Susan spoke of the subsequent shunting back and forth between grandmother, father, and her mother with her new husband. This continued until Susan’s grandmother died suddenly when she and her siblings moved in full-time with her mother and stepfather. However, it wasn't long before Susan’s mother upped and left her second marriage, leaving behind her a devastated husband with four step-kids to look after. For over a year, they didn’t see or hear from their mother. Listening to Susan recount her childhood, the sense of chaos the children must have experienced was acutely evident but it’s crucial to understand whether right or wrong, good or bad, it was the only kind of life Susan and her siblings knew. To her credit, she had somehow managed to cope with it. But it was also clear that Susan was now unconsciously recreating a different kind of chaos in her adult life because chaos was familiar to her. It was what she knew.
This is what’s known as a ‘breakthrough’ point when the client becomes aware of their actions or behaviour and begin to understand the reasons behind it. It is only at this point, when we have this kind of heigtened awareness that we are ready to start making the changes that will help create the life we really want.
I had a client, let's call her Susan, who talked about how she never had any time, how she was always doing something, driving to relatives to make sure they were okay, doing chores for them, picking them up, dropping them off. When a colleague, a single parent, complained about a lack of babysitters and her inability to reach the hairdressers Susan immediately offered to help. And this was on her Saturday morning off! All of this by the way was on top of a very successful but stressful full time career. Oh and did I mention she was also married? When I met her, Susan’s relationship didn’t seem to be suffering but as we talked it was clear some signs were there that her husband of two years was beginning to feel frustrated at the lack of quality time the couple were spending together. Just listening to Susan describe her average week was enough to make me feel tired. It was a constant whirlwind of activity with little or no downtime. And it was evident it was taking its toll as Susan had an ulcer, was suffering with IBS, was constantly tired and her stress levels were through the roof. On asking Susan, what was it that motivated her constant need to run around doing things for others she would say, “I don’t know why. I just do it. I can’t imagine doing nothing.”
As we worked together some more, Susan began to talk about her upbringing. She spoke of how, around eight years old, her mother began having affairs outside the marriage. Susan remembers her mother would disappear for days on end leaving her and her siblings to cope along with a father who was battling with his own addiction with alcohol. When her mother became involved in a long-term relationship she would swoop in occasionally, but for the most part, remained absent while getting on with her new life. At some point, Susan recalls her father deciding it would be best for the children if they lived with their grandmother (his mother) to give them some stability. While the children would spend weekdays at their grandmothers, they would visit their father at weekends. However, that changed when their mother remarried as she wanted the children to spend the weekends with her and her new husband. Susan spoke of the subsequent shunting back and forth between grandmother, father, and her mother with her new husband. This continued until Susan’s grandmother died suddenly when she and her siblings moved in full-time with her mother and stepfather. However, it wasn't long before Susan’s mother upped and left her second marriage, leaving behind her a devastated husband with four step-kids to look after. For over a year, they didn’t see or hear from their mother. Listening to Susan recount her childhood, the sense of chaos the children must have experienced was acutely evident but it’s crucial to understand whether right or wrong, good or bad, it was the only kind of life Susan and her siblings knew. To her credit, she had somehow managed to cope with it. But it was also clear that Susan was now unconsciously recreating a different kind of chaos in her adult life because chaos was familiar to her. It was what she knew.
This is what’s known as a ‘breakthrough’ point when the client becomes aware of their actions or behaviour and begin to understand the reasons behind it. It is only at this point, when we have this kind of heigtened awareness that we are ready to start making the changes that will help create the life we really want.
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