Social networking ...a cure for loneliness?

 "It is strange to be known so universally and yet to be so lonely." -Albert Einstein

Very few of us will go through life without ever feeling some pangs of loneliness. That sense of loneliness we feel is a negative emotion experienced when there is a gap between our expectations and the reality of our social relationships. Extreme loneliness is often experienced following the breakup of a relationship, a bereavement, or even on losing your job, and finding yourself at home with limited funds to get out and connect with others. Loneliness, like hunger, thirst, and pain, is a completely natural biological reaction. It is your body's way of telling you to pay attention and do something about repairing the deficit.


The Human Condition

To understand loneliness means first understanding humans thrive on the connection of others. Why else do we build houses close to others even when there is ample land around to do otherwise? On a very instinctual level, we are drawn to one another to reproduce but also to survive and prosper. It's why we get married, have kids, join clubs, and work together. It's all part of the human condition.

Individualistic Society

So what causes us to feel a gap in our expectations around our social networks? Part of it is down to a growing individualistic society. For example, many people are living alone for a number of different reasons and choices. Others through economic circumstances or a desire for a better life uproot and move away from family and friends. For Ireland's unemployed, the effect of financial distress often means life becomes more restricted and smaller. Aside from all of that, the need for social contact is different for each of us. Some of us need to spend every day with people around to feel good while others feel just as good with far less contact.

Is social networking the answer?

Since the emergence of sites such as Facebook and Tagged, we can now connect with others like never before. In the past, when someone emigrated to Australia or the States it meant for many their loved ones were more or less gone forever. Email helped to change that but the networking sites pushed the ease of communicating to another dimension altogether. We can now talk with one another, upload photos, even post our videos and it's all done in 'real' time. Happily, we can now stay connected and maintain relationships even when separated by thousands of miles.

Benefits of Connecting

Aside from the obvious benefits, we also discovered the social networking sites allowed us connect with people we'd never actually met. We learned we could 'poke,' 'wink,' and 'friend' others to our hearts desire. For anyone a little socially awkward or shy there are obvious advantages. For all users though the initial striking up of conversations or flirting with someone became instantly much easier than in the 'real' world. This new and easy familiarity with strangers meant before long many were boasting about having 200-300 online friends. Perhaps for some users it felt like they would never have to feel lonely again as long as they posted regular updates, left comments, and waited for online friends to reciprocate.

Dimensions of Loneliness

In recent times, we've had numerous studies delving into this whole area of social networking. One study found that those choosing to retreat into the virtual world of many friends might get a temporary boost of connectedness but it's short-lived. Another study suggests unchecked usage of online networking sites can actually exacerbate loneliness. When it comes down to it, how good are you going to feel watching others post updates, true or otherwise, about their exciting lives if you feel there is little going on in yours?

According to psychologist John Cacioppo, who co-authored the book 'Loneliness' there are three dimensions that determine loneliness:

• Whether you have or do not have someone in your life that cares about you, who loves you.
• The amount of face-to-face communication you have
• The quality of your social connections

Apparently if we truly want to correct our loneliness, we need to have at least one confidante, someone with whom we can laugh with, share our fears as well as triumphs, and do it in the knowledge we are accepted for ourselves. Equally, while we may have many friends, it's the quality of those connections that matter. Nothing quite beats having a friend we can pour out heart out to. Someone sticking a comment or a 'like' on Facebook as a response to an update we posted simply can't measure up to that.

Friendships Based on Trust

Finally, and on a positive note, Cacioppo's research indicates most of us are in fact using the social networking sites as a way of "enriching our existing networks" and not as a way to replace our face-to-face connections. The definition of a friend has therefore not been lost on us - so far. It seems we know a friend is someone we've built a relationship with based on knowledge, mutual trust, and respect. They're the one we'll phone at 4am if something serious happens in our lives. So, while the social networking sites are without doubt an invaluable addition and asset to how we connect with others, they are not a substitute for face-to-face interactions. For that matter, nor do they claim to be.

Carole Smith is a relationship counsellor, Life Coach and NLP practitioner based in Dublin, Ireland. She works with individuals, couples, and groups along with hosting seminars and workshops.

When a loved one is suffering with depression

For John, it seemed like one day he woke up and life as he knew it had changed. Maura, his wife, was anxious, but it was a different kind of anxiousness. Initially John comforted Maura, reassuring her that her worries were unfounded. However, things got progressively worse, Maura’s mood remained low, she began to talk about how useless she was, that she was a bad parent, and how she couldn’t understand why John still wanted her. Soon Maura began staying in bed in the mornings. She was unable to foster her usual ‘up and at it’ attitude that had been such a big part of their busy morning routine. Maura’s weight also steadily increased as she became less active and began to eat more. As her weight increased, so did Maura’s feelings of worthlessness. Sex became non-existent between them with Maura turning away from John, complaining of tiredness or a variety of other aches and pains. As the weeks turned into months, John watched helplessly as his once vibrant, happy wife, evolved into a woman he felt he could no longer reach. What John didn’t know was Maura was displaying all the signs of someone suffering with depression.

Depression in Ireland

Right now over 400,000 people in Ireland are experiencing depression but many are unaware and so the condition remains untreated. A first bout of depression often occurs after a traumatic life event however if left untreated it can leave one vulnerable to future episodes of depression. Therefore, early recognition of the symptoms followed by access to support or treatment is crucial for a positive outcome. It’s probably worth saying that men are diagnosed less with depression, not because they don’t suffer with it, but because they don’t talk about it. Instead, men will often resort to self-medicating using alcohol or drugs to cope with their depression.

When a Loved One Withdraws

For every person suffering with depression there is often someone in the background suffering in a different way. For the partner, who does not understand what is happening, they can feel overwhelmed when a spouse withdraws from the relationship and the family. While the person struggling with depression might ask, “Why Me?” the non-depressed partner will often ask, “Is this because of me. Is it something I did?”

Living with Depression

When one partner is struggling with depression, it will inevitably put a strain onto an otherwise healthy relationship. A depressed partner while unhappy may also become critical, argumentative, and non-communicative. For the non-depressed partner, they may feel helpless believing no matter what they do, whether it is comforting, supporting, or loving, none of it helps. The unconditional love and understanding a depressed partner needs may stretch even the most tolerant of partners beyond endurance. Emotions such as frustration, resentment, even anger are not uncommon and often followed by the even more intense feelings of guilt. If this is you, take heart, because it’s natural. Living with a depressed partner is not easy.

What You Can do

If you believe your partner is suffering with depression, the good news is depression is treatable and there is a variety of support options available. One of the first things you need to do is to encourage your partner to seek help. If they are not motivated to do so, try helping them recognise there is a problem and that it can be resolved. This is an essential first step to their recovery. Of vital importance is your acceptance that you cannot control or fix a partner’s depression. That power lies only with them. What you can control is your response. Therefore, it’s essential you educate yourself about depression so you know what you’re dealing with. Equally crucial is your understanding that the symptoms like those described above are a part of the illness and not a reflection on you or your relationship. Make sure you also become alert to your own mood, as it’s easy to get caught up in the hopelessness and end up just as de-energised as your depressed partner. You can avoid this happen by putting support in place for you. Maintain as much as possible the things in life you enjoy like social or sporting activities. Talk with a friend who knows and understands your situation. If you don’t have a friend to talk to, find a therapist who will act as your support instead.

Self-Care Routines

Remember, you are not at fault, you did not choose for your partner to develop this condition, anymore than they chose to have it. While your love and encouragement plays a huge role in a partner’s recovery, it will not be possible if you’re not taking care of yourself first. By putting simple self-care routines and supports in place, you’ll feel better able to cope, and your partner, children and relationship will all benefit.

So you have a FB business page ...what now?

Here are 3 tips that will help you get started.

1. Promote
As soon as your page is up and you have a number of updates on there to make it look interesting it’s time to promote your new Facebook page. Start first with family, friends, and colleagues, getting them to ‘LIKE’ your page. After that, start promoting with clients and suppliers. And whatever you do make sure everyone in your organisation has a link to your Facebook page on all emails and marketing material.


2. Posting Updates
Post updates regularly and by that a minimum of once every day. Don’t overdo it unless absolutely necessary. The reason? Too many posts in a newsfeed can turn a reader off and if that happens, they may ‘unlike’ your page. Remember every reader has multiple friends, some in their hundreds, so you’re not just losing one fan. That why the reverse is so crucial, the more fans you gain, the more chance you have of reaching an audience that otherwise might never have heard of you.


3. Content.
One of the biggest mistakes to make is using your FB page as a dumping site to advertise special offers. If you want to grow your brand awareness, your content needs to be interesting and varied with topics that are relevant to your industry and most of all relevant to your reader. So, if you’re in the travel industry that means updates about ash clouds, strikes, best wedding destination and of course there is a place for news about what’s happening in your business ...but not too much of that.


So, get creative, get googling and get passionate about Facebook.


Good luck!

Carole

p.s. If you need some help to get started, give me a call on 085 778 5615

Recreating our past into our present

Isn’t it interesting how we can recreate in our life what we knew in our childhood, and how we can do it without any real consciousness around it.

I had a client, let's call her Susan, who talked about how she never had any time, how she was always doing something, driving to relatives to make sure they were okay, doing chores for them, picking them up, dropping them off. When a colleague, a single parent, complained about a lack of babysitters and her inability to reach the hairdressers Susan immediately offered to help. And this was on her Saturday morning off! All of this by the way was on top of a very successful but stressful full time career. Oh and did I mention she was also married? When I met her, Susan’s relationship didn’t seem to be suffering but as we talked it was clear some signs were there that her husband of two years was beginning to feel frustrated at the lack of quality time the couple were spending together. Just listening to Susan describe her average week was enough to make me feel tired. It was a constant whirlwind of activity with little or no downtime. And it was evident it was taking its toll as Susan had an ulcer, was suffering with IBS, was constantly tired and her stress levels were through the roof. On asking Susan, what was it that motivated her constant need to run around doing things for others she would say, “I don’t know why. I just do it. I can’t imagine doing nothing.”


As we worked together some more, Susan began to talk about her upbringing. She spoke of how, around eight years old, her mother began having affairs outside the marriage. Susan remembers her mother would disappear for days on end leaving her and her siblings to cope along with a father who was battling with his own addiction with alcohol. When her mother became involved in a long-term relationship she would swoop in occasionally, but for the most part, remained absent while getting on with her new life. At some point, Susan recalls her father deciding it would be best for the children if they lived with their grandmother (his mother) to give them some stability. While the children would spend weekdays at their grandmothers, they would visit their father at weekends. However, that changed when their mother remarried as she wanted the children to spend the weekends with her and her new husband. Susan spoke of the subsequent shunting back and forth between grandmother, father, and her mother with her new husband. This continued until Susan’s grandmother died suddenly when she and her siblings moved in full-time with her mother and stepfather. However, it wasn't long before Susan’s mother upped and left her second marriage, leaving behind her a devastated husband with four step-kids to look after. For over a year, they didn’t see or hear from their mother. Listening to Susan recount her childhood, the sense of chaos the children must have experienced was acutely evident but it’s crucial to understand whether right or wrong, good or bad, it was the only kind of life Susan and her siblings knew. To her credit, she had somehow managed to cope with it. But it was also clear that Susan was now unconsciously recreating a different kind of chaos in her adult life because chaos was familiar to her. It was what she knew.

This is what’s known as a ‘breakthrough’ point when the client becomes aware of their actions or behaviour and begin to understand the reasons behind it.  It is only at this point, when we have this kind of heigtened awareness that we are ready to start making the changes that will help create the life we really want.

Happy to be Irish

Maybe you’re just as much IMF’ed, EUB’ed and Anglo’ed out of it as I am but in some ways recent events prompted me to reflect on what it is that makes me happy to be Irish.

Kindness of strangers

While we might have lost some of our natural compassion for others during the Celtic Tiger days, I’ve seen resurgence in the caring words shared between strangers in the post office, at the local bus stop, or standing in the supermarket queue. Recently when struggling to find coins for the parking metre, and having not a lot of luck, a voice behind me said, “Here, I have some, take them.” Small gestures, each a connection of sorts and with it the unsaid message, ‘we’re all in this together.’

Charitable Donations

Three out of every four people in the Republic donate to charity, and while the sums donated have fallen, there is still a strong ethos ingrained in the Irish psyche of wanting to give to those more in need. Whatever the donation, whether financial or time, little or large, at Christmas or at Lent, all of it helps. In a funny kind of way it’s reassuring even comforting to know I’m surrounded by people who still have the generosity of spirit to reach out to others in their time of need.

Ambassadors and Culture

For a small country of 4 million, we have some formidable and highly respected global ambassadors including Mary Robinson, Bono, and Bob Geldof, who in their separate ways have campaigned for human rights, debt relief, and anti-poverty relief for third world countries. When it comes to culture, we’re no slouch there either with Dublin only the fourth city to receive the prized UNESCO City of Literature award. The award is in recognition of Dublin’s rich historical literary past and its international standing as a city of contemporary literary excellence.

The craic is mighty!

Regardless of the rapid changes in our society and the depletion of our collective wealth, we haven’t lost the banter or wit we’re famous for, or indeed the ability to conjure up a bit of ‘craic’ even in a crowd of two. Some of the remarks and jokes circulating via text, email, on Facebook, and Twitter about the state of the economy, the ‘new Irish,’ have been quite dark but for the most part hilarious. Perhaps our ability to resort to humour even in our most challenging of times is what keeps us from collectively going insane. Keep it up I say! 
A little sample of the kind of humour that makes us want to cry and laugh at the same time. Here ya go Cowan says sorry!

Strong Family Bonds

Love them or hate them, we can’t seem to live without our families. And where best to experience the passion and emotions that enmesh a typical Irish family is none other than the family get together. For the best barnies of all, it has to be those around Christmas time. As kids are running from room to room, roaring and shouting, and adults’ mill around glass in hand, noise levels ratchet up, and inevitably stress levels creep towards the roof. After a dinner accompanied by more wine, with florid faces and bulging guts, everyone starts to feel like pigs in a pen. Just about then your mother and sister bring up the ‘incident’ that happened back in ‘89. Within minutes, everyone has an opinion and come hell or high water, everyone must have his or her say. Not long after it’s time to go home, the goodbyes are said, the one for the road is finished and as you head out the door you think to yourself, “Ah well, thank God that’s all over for another year.”

So, would I have it any other way? As much as I might grumble, complain, or agonise over decisions, events, and circumstances we find ourselves in today, it doesn’t take away the fact that yes, I am indeed happy to be Irish.

With best regards,

Carole Smith

Website: Type Dynamics

Facebook: LifeCoachingwithCarole

Twitter: http://twitter.com/CaroleSmith_

Tel: (353) 85 778 5615

What is Coaching All About?

If you’ve ever wondered how coaching works there is one question you can expect to hear from a coach and it is, “What is it that you want?” A simple enough question but for so many they will struggle to answer it. Often the reply is ’I don’t know.’ The person answering may be referring to their relationship, their career, or their future. They will know they want something to change but for a variety of reasons may feel unable to name what it is.

So why is it so difficult to know what it is we want?

Sometimes it’s the busyness of life that leaves us dulled even a little punch-drunk and it takes a major event before we wake up and recognise that something about our life has to change. For others, the impact to the lives of colleagues, or family might seem like a good reason to suppress any desire for change. Some examples are the mother, seeing her children growing up and moving away and she begins to feel she no longer has a role in life. She might ask, “How did I get here? I’m forty-six, my kids are at college, and my husband and I rattle around in the house together with nothing left to talk about. What can I do?” Or what about the man, who has worked over thirty years, managing people and departments, who now finds himself at home with no one to direct or manage but himself, he might say, “I don’t know what to do with my time, the days just stretch out endlessly and I’m feeling low most of the time. What can I do?” For the entrepreneur, whose passion brought his company to where it is today, he might say, “I’ve lost interest; it’s no longer the fun start-up I created. I want something else but I just don’t know what.”

Yes ...but what is it that you want?

This is not an idle question posed by your coach. It’s part of the discovery process that sets out to help you gain self-awareness and fresh perspective about you and what you want from life. It’s about exploring what it is that makes you tick. For some it will mean tapping into distant memories to answer that.  For so many, life has become such a serious endeavour that even the unrestrained laughter remembered from youth is rarely heard or experienced.  For others the passion that once drove them to build a company culminated in a secure role that now feels hopelessly mundane and mind numbing.  So this journey you set out on with your coach is about rediscovering what makes you laugh, brings tears to your eyes, gives you joy or has you break out in a sweat and your heart pulsate faster. It’s about uncovering your passion, your purpose in life and exploring if it has evolved into something different to what it once was.

Powerful Questions

Whether it is your relationship or your career your coach will work with you by asking powerful but simple questions that will help you discover what it is you want from life now. Examples are:

Q:What was good about your relationship at the beginning?

Q:What was it about setting up your own business that drove your passion?

Q:To have that again, what would need to happen?

Q:What steps do you have to take that are your responsibility?

Q:What do you need from others to support you in achieving your goal?

Q:What are the wider implications to you/your family/your employees if you choose a different path?

So it is Simple then?

In a way it is, however coaching works because you are not talking with someone who has a personal agenda about the outcome of any decision you make. That allows you the freedom to explore in confidence, with a professional trained to ask the right questions, the rationale, the logistics, the emotional impact of any change you might want to implement.

What do you get out it?

For the most part, it’s clarity of mind. And when there is clarity, we are better equipped to make the right decision. Surely, that alone makes the investment in coaching all the more worthwhile.

Self-Motivate to Success

It’s easy to become de-motivated particularly given our current economic climate and the excess of negative media stories we’re subjected to day after day. If like me, and you are a small business owner relying primarily on your own resources and energies to get up and at it each day, it can be a struggle to remain focused and positive. Equally, many small business owners having made lay-offs are now coping with a change in their own working roles. For some there’s a whole lot less of general management and directing the future of their organisation to a more hands-on type role. An example is moving back into a front line customer service and sales role to strengthen a smaller team. Some make the transition easy, for others it’s more difficult, and has the potential to eat away at motivation.

The problem is, as an owner/manager, whether your role is hands-on or not, part of that role requires you to motivate and inspire your team so that they fulfil the goals and objectives necessary to keep your business lucrative. But how can you motivate others if you’re not feeling motivated yourself? Who Motivates You?

Bottom line...it’s you! If you want to be successful, to manage through good times and bad you’ll need to learn how to self-motivate. To help you I’ve put together some tried and tested techniques that really do work.

1. Keep Your Promises

When we’re de-motivated, apathy is often a companion and so very little tends to get started or indeed completed. As a way of combating this, aim to set yourself daily goals and make a promise to yourself that you’ll complete ‘x’ amount of goals in that day. You might want to put together a to-do list to help you along here.

2. Small Steps – Big Impact

So, you’ve hit a major challenge and this one feels like a big one. Rather that get so overwhelmed that you can’t see a way forward, try to push away thoughts about how things look down the track, and focus instead on taking whatever the next step is. And do it, one step at a time! By breaking things down in this way and taking consistent small steps, you’re more focused and more in control of the outcome.

3. Stimulate Energy

You might think, “well coffee doesn’t do it” but there are other ways. One suggestion is, if things at work feel stagnant, get your people together and have a brainstorming session to tease out ideas or suggestions. This is a bit of a win-win as you’ll get your team engaged in the future direction of your company (which is a huge employee motivator) you’re also involved plus there is always a chance that a nugget of an idea is produced that you could run with.

4.Find the Passion Again

Do you remember what it was that inspired you to take the leap and build a business of your own? Was it a love of the chosen industry, maybe a belief you could make a difference, or perhaps it was the flexibility of being your own boss that drove your choice. Whatever it was, remind yourself of how it felt when you were starting out, what it was that mattered most to you, the goals you had, the dreams you aspired to for you and your company and when motivation begins to dip tap into those memories and they’ll help you face another day.

And finally...I found this quote and I think it says it all so I thought I’d share it with you.

"You've got to get up every morning with determination if you're going to go to bed with satisfaction."

- George Horace Lorimer

Take care ...

Carole