Social networking ...a cure for loneliness?

 "It is strange to be known so universally and yet to be so lonely." -Albert Einstein

Very few of us will go through life without ever feeling some pangs of loneliness. That sense of loneliness we feel is a negative emotion experienced when there is a gap between our expectations and the reality of our social relationships. Extreme loneliness is often experienced following the breakup of a relationship, a bereavement, or even on losing your job, and finding yourself at home with limited funds to get out and connect with others. Loneliness, like hunger, thirst, and pain, is a completely natural biological reaction. It is your body's way of telling you to pay attention and do something about repairing the deficit.


The Human Condition

To understand loneliness means first understanding humans thrive on the connection of others. Why else do we build houses close to others even when there is ample land around to do otherwise? On a very instinctual level, we are drawn to one another to reproduce but also to survive and prosper. It's why we get married, have kids, join clubs, and work together. It's all part of the human condition.

Individualistic Society

So what causes us to feel a gap in our expectations around our social networks? Part of it is down to a growing individualistic society. For example, many people are living alone for a number of different reasons and choices. Others through economic circumstances or a desire for a better life uproot and move away from family and friends. For Ireland's unemployed, the effect of financial distress often means life becomes more restricted and smaller. Aside from all of that, the need for social contact is different for each of us. Some of us need to spend every day with people around to feel good while others feel just as good with far less contact.

Is social networking the answer?

Since the emergence of sites such as Facebook and Tagged, we can now connect with others like never before. In the past, when someone emigrated to Australia or the States it meant for many their loved ones were more or less gone forever. Email helped to change that but the networking sites pushed the ease of communicating to another dimension altogether. We can now talk with one another, upload photos, even post our videos and it's all done in 'real' time. Happily, we can now stay connected and maintain relationships even when separated by thousands of miles.

Benefits of Connecting

Aside from the obvious benefits, we also discovered the social networking sites allowed us connect with people we'd never actually met. We learned we could 'poke,' 'wink,' and 'friend' others to our hearts desire. For anyone a little socially awkward or shy there are obvious advantages. For all users though the initial striking up of conversations or flirting with someone became instantly much easier than in the 'real' world. This new and easy familiarity with strangers meant before long many were boasting about having 200-300 online friends. Perhaps for some users it felt like they would never have to feel lonely again as long as they posted regular updates, left comments, and waited for online friends to reciprocate.

Dimensions of Loneliness

In recent times, we've had numerous studies delving into this whole area of social networking. One study found that those choosing to retreat into the virtual world of many friends might get a temporary boost of connectedness but it's short-lived. Another study suggests unchecked usage of online networking sites can actually exacerbate loneliness. When it comes down to it, how good are you going to feel watching others post updates, true or otherwise, about their exciting lives if you feel there is little going on in yours?

According to psychologist John Cacioppo, who co-authored the book 'Loneliness' there are three dimensions that determine loneliness:

• Whether you have or do not have someone in your life that cares about you, who loves you.
• The amount of face-to-face communication you have
• The quality of your social connections

Apparently if we truly want to correct our loneliness, we need to have at least one confidante, someone with whom we can laugh with, share our fears as well as triumphs, and do it in the knowledge we are accepted for ourselves. Equally, while we may have many friends, it's the quality of those connections that matter. Nothing quite beats having a friend we can pour out heart out to. Someone sticking a comment or a 'like' on Facebook as a response to an update we posted simply can't measure up to that.

Friendships Based on Trust

Finally, and on a positive note, Cacioppo's research indicates most of us are in fact using the social networking sites as a way of "enriching our existing networks" and not as a way to replace our face-to-face connections. The definition of a friend has therefore not been lost on us - so far. It seems we know a friend is someone we've built a relationship with based on knowledge, mutual trust, and respect. They're the one we'll phone at 4am if something serious happens in our lives. So, while the social networking sites are without doubt an invaluable addition and asset to how we connect with others, they are not a substitute for face-to-face interactions. For that matter, nor do they claim to be.

Carole Smith is a relationship counsellor, Life Coach and NLP practitioner based in Dublin, Ireland. She works with individuals, couples, and groups along with hosting seminars and workshops.

When a loved one is suffering with depression

For John, it seemed like one day he woke up and life as he knew it had changed. Maura, his wife, was anxious, but it was a different kind of anxiousness. Initially John comforted Maura, reassuring her that her worries were unfounded. However, things got progressively worse, Maura’s mood remained low, she began to talk about how useless she was, that she was a bad parent, and how she couldn’t understand why John still wanted her. Soon Maura began staying in bed in the mornings. She was unable to foster her usual ‘up and at it’ attitude that had been such a big part of their busy morning routine. Maura’s weight also steadily increased as she became less active and began to eat more. As her weight increased, so did Maura’s feelings of worthlessness. Sex became non-existent between them with Maura turning away from John, complaining of tiredness or a variety of other aches and pains. As the weeks turned into months, John watched helplessly as his once vibrant, happy wife, evolved into a woman he felt he could no longer reach. What John didn’t know was Maura was displaying all the signs of someone suffering with depression.

Depression in Ireland

Right now over 400,000 people in Ireland are experiencing depression but many are unaware and so the condition remains untreated. A first bout of depression often occurs after a traumatic life event however if left untreated it can leave one vulnerable to future episodes of depression. Therefore, early recognition of the symptoms followed by access to support or treatment is crucial for a positive outcome. It’s probably worth saying that men are diagnosed less with depression, not because they don’t suffer with it, but because they don’t talk about it. Instead, men will often resort to self-medicating using alcohol or drugs to cope with their depression.

When a Loved One Withdraws

For every person suffering with depression there is often someone in the background suffering in a different way. For the partner, who does not understand what is happening, they can feel overwhelmed when a spouse withdraws from the relationship and the family. While the person struggling with depression might ask, “Why Me?” the non-depressed partner will often ask, “Is this because of me. Is it something I did?”

Living with Depression

When one partner is struggling with depression, it will inevitably put a strain onto an otherwise healthy relationship. A depressed partner while unhappy may also become critical, argumentative, and non-communicative. For the non-depressed partner, they may feel helpless believing no matter what they do, whether it is comforting, supporting, or loving, none of it helps. The unconditional love and understanding a depressed partner needs may stretch even the most tolerant of partners beyond endurance. Emotions such as frustration, resentment, even anger are not uncommon and often followed by the even more intense feelings of guilt. If this is you, take heart, because it’s natural. Living with a depressed partner is not easy.

What You Can do

If you believe your partner is suffering with depression, the good news is depression is treatable and there is a variety of support options available. One of the first things you need to do is to encourage your partner to seek help. If they are not motivated to do so, try helping them recognise there is a problem and that it can be resolved. This is an essential first step to their recovery. Of vital importance is your acceptance that you cannot control or fix a partner’s depression. That power lies only with them. What you can control is your response. Therefore, it’s essential you educate yourself about depression so you know what you’re dealing with. Equally crucial is your understanding that the symptoms like those described above are a part of the illness and not a reflection on you or your relationship. Make sure you also become alert to your own mood, as it’s easy to get caught up in the hopelessness and end up just as de-energised as your depressed partner. You can avoid this happen by putting support in place for you. Maintain as much as possible the things in life you enjoy like social or sporting activities. Talk with a friend who knows and understands your situation. If you don’t have a friend to talk to, find a therapist who will act as your support instead.

Self-Care Routines

Remember, you are not at fault, you did not choose for your partner to develop this condition, anymore than they chose to have it. While your love and encouragement plays a huge role in a partner’s recovery, it will not be possible if you’re not taking care of yourself first. By putting simple self-care routines and supports in place, you’ll feel better able to cope, and your partner, children and relationship will all benefit.